That is actually what I did today.
I have officially had all of my classes now. Two of them only meet on Tuesdays, which is fantastic in theory but terrible when you realize you'll be sitting on your butt for 6 hours between 1-8pm. It's also terrible when you realize those classes are the ones that almost bring you to the point of wanting to quit, pack up, and go home.
Tuesdays have now won the award for "Worst Day of Allyson's Week," and Monday is nowhere near close to taking that back.
Now, have I had similar feelings to this before in my life, especially related to school? Absolutely.
Have I made it through the chaos that I thought would or did ensue when I had a crap-ton of assignments due within a few days of each other? Yes. Somehow.
Have I looked at syllabi thinking "Why the heck am I back here?" before? Pretty much every semester of school, yet I just keep coming back.
While I'm probably being dramatic about what I have to do since it is graduate school after all, I feel grossly unprepared. Maybe it's just because I've been out of school for 8 months, not putting most of my knowledge to any use and spending 5 days a week with 1-2 year olds (whom I love dearly, don't get me wrong). Maybe it's because I didn't really engage myself with the material in college--I just memorized and regurgitated it in papers and on tests. And, yes, I am woman enough to admit that could be a possibility. Maybe it's because what I've experienced so far hasn't matched up with what I expected out of graduate school. Maybe it's because I'm afraid to fail.
Yep. Yep, that's the one.
I can remember only one time in my life when I ever failed anything big--ONE. It was my driver's test. I was so nervous that I completely blanked on how to park a car on a hill (and other things, but really... who does that?). Other than that, nothing. Allyson simply doesn't fail at anything. I'm not saying that pridefully either. Honestly, I hate that I haven't failed at more things in my life, but, at the same time, I can't imagine what it would be like if I did. I mean, I'm the girl who would feel like a failure if I got a B+ or A-. It was just simply unacceptable. I don't know what it would be like to have the mindset of a B+ being good but that I'd do better next time.
Huh.... I need to ponder that.
Even beyond the potential failure, there are those assignments that just out-right terrify me. Tests? Nope, I'm a pro. Papers? Nope, I could write till the cows come home. Presentations/assignments requiring creative thought? You bet your butt those scare me. I like my strict box of 1+1=2, definitions, and this-is-that-because-of-this. It's one thing for me to introduce myself in social situations, which I'm still really bad at, but speaking in front of my peers, putting my thoughts out there, demonstrating whatever level of effort, research, and work I put into the assignment means I'll be critiqued on a completely different level that I'm uncomfortable with and can't really prepare for. I'm not a fan.
Now, the good news is that I love all three of my professors. One of them is younger and seems pretty laid back, but you can tell he is passionate about what he is teaching and that he really wants us to learn and understand what we're going to be one day implementing in schools. One of the them, the only woman professor I have, is, first and foremost, the most stylish professor I have ever met--or seen--in my entire life. She is also very funny, intuitive, and caring. My last professor reminds me of one I had at Northwestern for one of my education classes. He's not quite as eccentric, but he loves education and wants us to be the most effective educators/counselors that we can be. If for no other reason, it will be a good semester because I get to learn from them.
Well, there you have it folks.... my first rant of grad school. I don't doubt that there will be many more to come. I apologize for my long windedness, but I did say I could write till the cows came home.
Allyson
No comments:
Post a Comment